Monday, June 6, 2011

New This Fall: Palin Run For Prez Should Be Her Own Reality

Sarah Palin shouldn't just run for President.

Sarah Palin should star in a new reality show in which she runs for President.

During her recent bus trip along the East Coast, Palin told reporters that if she were to run for President, it "would be unconventional and nontraditional." Palin said her One Nation bus tour would reappear in Iowa and South Carolina, a sort of annoying kid sister that keeps stealing people's attention while candidates are trying to make speeches.

For Palin, the Fox Network, and America, the best thing would be for One Nation to be Sarah Palin's new reality show on Fox this fall. And, One Nation would be Palin's exclusive vehicle for her Independent run for the White House.

Running as an Independent in a reality show would free Palin from primaries and caucuses and interviews and news conferences and town hall meetings and conventions and all sorts of boring minutiae that makes for dull TV.

One Nation would play to Palin's strengths, so she would talk as little as possible, and appear in as many tight outfits as possible. Perfect for Fox, which has lost a little of its edge since Married With Children went off the air. Perfect for Palin, to say nothing of the Chinese acrobat show going on in poor Paul Revere's grave.

Every week, Palin's caravan of buses and production trucks would roll into a different small town or medium-sized city, preferably in places where she's already popular. She is, after all, at least as popular as Mitt Romney.

Then, instead of going to coffee klatches or meeting local pols - boring! - Palin's crew would set up a big stage with lots of lights and special effects at the local arena or town square. Then, people would be invited to attend a slickly produced live concert with lots of flashing lights and exploding pyrotechnics. Every week, Sarah - everyone calls her "Sarah" on the show - will make increasingly spectacular grand entrances. She might appear amidst flashing lights and smoke bombs during the dazzling opening dance number. She might appear amidst flashing lights and smoke bombs on the back of a motorcycle during the dazzling opening dance number. She might be lowered from a helicopter, or slide off the back of an elephant. And the next day, everyone will be talking about her costume.

Every week, Sarah would welcome one of those B-list celebrities who are pushing some sort of cause. That blonde actress who used to be on Baywatch and thinks vaccines give you autism would be a good one. Sarah could demonstrate how engaged and sympathetic she is. Folks can be urged to call a phone number to donate $10 to the cause. Half would go to Sarah's PAC. Normal texting rates would apply. Then, Sarah and the actress could have a little impromptu swimsuit competition or something. Then, Sarah could introduce that week's musical guest as the dancers come whirling out for another brilliantly choreographed number.

But the core of the show would be a contest. Anyone who wants to run for Congress could fill in an online application telling in twenty-five words or less why he or she wants to run for Congress, and what special talent they have. Sarah and her panel of "experts" (probably interns at Fox's legal department) will pick a group of finalists who get to appear on the program with Sarah when the caravan gets to their state. Throughout the program, Sarah will introduce each of the finalists and cede the stage for their talent portion. Callers would vote for their favorites, like on American Idol. Sarah would explain how we're all One Nation, so anyone with a cellphone and qualifying rate plan could vote for any candidate in any state. The winners would be put on their local ballots on Sarah's One Nation ticket, get some money to fund their campaigns, and get advice from Sarah's National Campaign Team.

If the show picks up steam, it could be on several nights a week. As more Congressional candidates are accumulated, they could accompany the show as it rolls from town to town. Sarah would make her little idiosyncratic speeches and implore everyone to vote for her. At every stop, Sarah's books and DVDs and T-shirts and posters and calendars would be available for purchase.

Everybody would win:
  • Sarah gets a network show, and can sell all her books and tchotchkes at every stop.
  • Fox gets a star with a built-in audience, the most buzz and controversy in network television history, and the texting angle could help line up a major telecom company sponsor.
  • Americans get to watch, run up texting charges, and argue and complain as much as they want.
Be on the lookout for the promos this summer:
"Fox." An extreme close-up of a woman's ruby-red Dorothy slippers, but with 6-inch stiletto heels, strutting over a map of the United States. "This Fall." Long, shapely legs stride away from the camera. "Sarah." The camera pans up to reveal Sarah in a very short, very tight red mini-skirt. "One Nation." Sarah plants her hands on her hips and delivers her tag line as male audience members imagine the view Kansas is getting.
Of course, there would be the inevitable uproar over Sarah and Fox making a mockery of the American electoral process. To which, in the immortal words of Charles Shultz, the "mind reels with sarcastic replies."

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