Pawlenty, Bachmann Wrecking, Building Bridges to Nowhere and Beyond

It was, of course, inevitable that the two GOP Presidential hopefuls from Minnesota would begin squabbling, and it was, of course, even more inevitable that the less popular, attention-starved child would be the one to start throwing paint pots and eating paste.

Sharing too many of the same demographic slices will do that. Both are rabid Evangelicals vying for the theocratist vote, and both have their populist bases in Minnesota. Barney, the purple dinosaur, would tell former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and current Minnesota Member of Congress Michele Bachmann to play nice, because each of them is Evil in his or her own special way. Being that Barney was on PBS, however, neither Pawlenty or Bachmann were probably aware of his existence.

"I like Congresswoman Bachmann," Pawlenty Sunday told NBC's Meet the Press, revealing the depth of his hatred and loathing for his rival. "I campaigned for her. I respect her," he said, ruing his past support and reeking his present disdain, which he specified by adding, "But her record of accomplishment in Congress is non-existent."

"We're not looking for folks who just have speech capabilities," Pawlenty said, forgetting his staffers thought Bachmann, aside from just talking a good line, was pretty sexy-looking too. "We're looking for who can lead a large enterprise in a public setting and drive it to conclusion. I have done that. She hasn't."

Of course, Pawlenty's largest enterprise was deferring maintenance on the I-35W bridge, in the very public setting between Minneapolis and St. Paul, driving it to collapse with the loss of 13 lives. None of which is more important than his being gaga for Lady Gaga.

While Pawlenty's bridge went straight to the bottom of the Mississippi River, Bachmann had recently been busy polishing her Congressional bonafides trying to push her own Bridge to Nowhere. Bachmann's St. Croix River bridge project was an understandably irresistible one for a Republican, as not only was it a $700 million pork barrel travesty at a time when she and her Tea Party cohort was demanding billions be cut from health care for the poor, elderly, veterans and the infirm, it would also destroy a stretch of the St. Croix National Scenic Riverway, a designated wild and scenic river since 1972.

Take that Sarah Palin! After all, it's so much harder for Bachmann to waste taxpayers' and donors' money plastering herself with enough designer labels to look like a prissy Nascar driver, as she already has so much money of her own.

Of course, Bachmann is best known for her own unique brand of cognitively-challenged information processing. The latest bit involved a bit of Evangelical supremacist gay-bashing which took some heat because it strayed into racist white supremacism. Go figure.

Bachmann had been the first presidential aspirant to sign Bob Vander Plaat's "The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence Upon Marriage and Family," another in the interminable conga-line of Pledges with which right-wing extremists have lately proven to be so enamoured. It seeks to oppress marriage and subjugate families. The apartheidesquely-monikered Vander Plaat is the fearless leader of Family Leader, a gay-bashing group that also promotes tax-evasion, conspiring to overthrow America, Islamophobia, and other Republican priorities.

The folks at Family Leader wanted to set the right tone for their gay-bashing, Islamophobic, family-separatist tome with a noble preamble, as what's good enough for the United States Constitution is certainly good enough for self-righteous right-wing demagoguery, and came up with what they reasoned was a catchy ditty that read:

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American President.

With which Family Leader meant to say black kids born into slavery were so much better off than black kids today. Black kids born into slavery, after all, would belong to somebody, somebody white and responsible and white, and have real value, measurable in solid Confederate dollars on the auction block, and have a real mother and father and white overseers and good genetic material contributed by some rapist Planter, and enjoy steady employment, the warm bosom of a traditional nuclear family, and regular beatings, until the Planter decided to sell off his inventory or let his dogs rip them apart.

To which some of the usual politically-correct rabble-rousing pinko troublemakers, including African-American ingrates and tie-dye wearing tofu-eaters, questioned the sensibility of Bachmann vowing such a vow, inconveniently requiring the earnest Christian hearts at Family Leader to rejigger their earnest preamble.

"After careful deliberation and wise insight and input from valued colleagues...we agree that the statement referencing children born into slavery can be misconstrued," Vander Plaat said, without specifying what the preamble's unmisconstrued interpretation might have been.

Lost in all the construing and misconstruing was the original preamble's implication that the importance of the traditional two-parent family wasn't really all it was cracked up to be in the context of all the beatings and rapings and dogs and forced labor and all.

To which Bachmann's campaign replied that the "candidate vow" portion of the vow she'd signed hadn't mentioned slavery, only gay-bashing and Islamophobia. Meaning, not only are gay-bashing and Islamophobia cherished vow-worthy Christian and American institutions, but preambles don't count.

Which goes a long way toward explaining Bachmann's overall political positions, as she must certainly feel the same way about the Preamble to the United States Constitution: it doesn't count.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

See, all that nonsense about a "more perfect Union," and "Justice," and "promoting the general Welfare" doesn't count, because it's just all preamble stuff. That's why it's okay not to raise the debt ceiling and default on all the nation's obligations plunging the world into financial chaos, or promote only the specific Welfare of the richest, most privileged plutocrats in Earth history. "More perfect Union." "General Welfare." Pish and tosh. Preamble stuff!

And, that's why Pawlenty, being the experienced self-confessed leader of large enterprises and driver to conclusions of things, and understanding exactly that, as governor shut down the state of Minnesota to crush general Welfare-seeking labor groups. That's why Pawlenty touts shutting down his state as a big win for himself and his rich specific-Welfare cronies, and a big defeat for all those Justice-seeking general-Welfare losers trying to form a more perfect Union with unions.

What could be more clear?